Barely contained within these pages is much in the way of Biz,
Stuff, Kit, Junk and other T'ings.
And Not Much Else.
Does Size really matter ?
A Pig Meant of the Imagination. The Colour of one eye opening.
Many things drift upon the face of the Earth, be they fast, slow
A London Bus, Yesterday
If it is the will of the
The Cognitive Theory of Rain
Which was revolved in the most Erisian chaos
of a heavy traffic Jam Session in North
|Who gets the money..?|
What can I avoid cutting
with a pair of non sequiturs.?
And it is this.
Rain is dull, it's the weather equivalent of "I love Lucy", everyone's seen it before and they didn't like it the first time. The brain
of the truly talented Homo Sap. refuses to focus on this drab rerun of an uninspiring section of reality and turns to other things.
Lack of intellectual stimulation causes the mind to seize on any stray thought and examine it unto its full potential.
Many wondrous things are discovered.
They are not explained.
We never discover just why it's so hard to tune Polar Bears to anything but Radio 2, we catch only glimpses of the life cycle of the paisley sofa.
Things man what not meant to know, secrets from beyond the dawn of time all may be safely contemplated in the most Holy Chaos which is a London Bus.
The London Bus, a large red thing carrying people to places, many of both are old. Some of the places are Busstops, some are
Always there are a few people hanging around at BusStops waiting, for what do they wait ?
Busses come, busses go, so, what're you gonna do about it ? that's what I'd like to know...
|I Am The Sound Of
One Hand Clapping |
Eye Am The Ground Of Fun Land Mapping
Why Slam A Pound Of Flax? Stand Napping
Pie an Tea Round To Some Lip Smacking
Pi? Damn We Found The Number Lacking
Sky Cam Sees Bound Old Gun fan Snapping
Thy Ram Unbound by some Random Hacking
Aye Jam, Be Bound By Rum-Band Rapping
Buy Yam, Get Free "Hound and Tracking"
"Try Spam" She Clowned and was killed
A passing Frog
seem to think
up a deity
superior to themselves
Dun it All
Many items of everyday food, clothing and occasionally consumer electronics now come with free lifestyle guidance panels printed unobtrusively on the packaging. These pearls of wisdom are invaluable to the healthy Hom. Sap. and will lead to a more relaxed and safer lifestyle.
|Source Item||Invaluable gem of wisdom|
Eat within three days.
Keep away from Young Children.
Keep Away from Fire.
Avoid Deliberate Inhalation.
If Drunk, Do Not Induce Vomiting.
Keep In A Cool Dry Place, Out Of Reach of Children.
Best Before Date, See Bottom.
The above list is merely a small selection of the wonderfully useful hints and tips to be found in your local supermarket, seek and ye shall find.
Don't try it on with me mister! Use the Cubicle provided.
|Consider the cat, a cat
is the most Erisian
creature on Earth. Or
A cat is fed, housed, and hideously over pampered by its humans, What do the humans get out of it?
The Privilege of feeding, housing and pampering the cat. Which one of these is the more intelligent species?
Indeed do many things come to pass.
Everywhere we look stars and galaxies are moving away from us at great speed, current theory puts this down to the universe expanding.
It is also possible that they simply want to get away from us...
If the Universe is expanding then it`s expanding too slowly.
The relaxed, almost nonchalant, saunter away from us cannot be accounted for by the laws of physics we currently like the look of. So cosmologists are trying to make them fit by inventing 90% of all matter in the universe and deciding that we can`t see it for some reason or another.
They call this extra stuff Dark Matter.
Cold dark matter theory says that all this extra stuff (nine tenths of everything) is just ordinary stuff,
dust clouds, lumps of rock, tins of spam etc.
But this has problems, mainly, where the hell is all this stuff..?
Especially the spam... People should be told.
|Hot dark matter theory states that the missing mass is formed from many many
high energy neutrinos and their friends, particles which are small, fast and very very
slippery which makes them hard to catch and hold for questioning.|
|Warm, Furry dark matter theory
predicts that the matter in question is
almost entirely made up of cats. Who,
being able to alter their density at will
can contain many quintillion tons of
dark matter in an extremely small
Evidence for this can be found almost every night when a small Five pound moggy becomes a Seventeen Ton monster asleep on your feet.
|Consult your Pineal gland for the current location of your share of
It should be about nine times your present weight.
If you would like a larger share of Dark Matter, eat.
Democracy seems to be based on the concept that a million people are better at making decisions than one person.
Don't vote, the government will get in..
Do not believe this, it is also true.
The AntiVote, In which you tick the box of anyone you Don`t want to reach public office. This is a much more certain way to discover the will of the people...
|Small pointy things for holding wood together||Large heavy thing for holding government together||Soft fluffy stuff for holding linen together|
|Purchased in Hardware Stores||Taken from Hardware Stores, Dock Workers, Shoeshine Boys and everyone possible.||Grown in fields|
|Painful when encountered closely||Painful when encountered closely||Tickles when encountered closely|
|Always more than you need in a bag||Always more than you feared in a year||Always plenty to go round|
|Bends when used wrongly||Starves small children, buys guns and bribes politicians when used wrongly||People wander round naked if used wrongly|
|Many kinds made by many different people||Many kinds, all enforced by the same people||One basic kind wherever there are people|
|Used by everyone who needs them||Uses everyone regardless, most don't need this.||Used by people who wear clothes|
|Pressure is applied to Tacks by People||Pressure is applied to People by Tax||No pressure either way.|
|People would use screws if there were no Tacks||People are screwed because there is Tax||People screw whether or not there is Flax|
Beware of strong drink. It might make you shoot a Tax Collector and Miss..
Hush Mother. Do not cry, for I am filled with Angels
|By his sign you will know him, and his sign is a turned around baseball cap and Glasses|
Hermits do not want to get away from people.
They spend time on their own because they want to be with people. They are each fighting an invisible demon which has taken over their souls, preventing them from living their life.
We all have demons within us.
When one of my demons believes it is more important than me, causing me to feel overwhelmed and disoriented, I act immediately by excessively pursuing the very thing the demon desires, leading it into a false sense of security and far away from my inner self.
Only yesterday I met a man who had been usurped by a happy demon.He said, "I took the dog for a run this morning and he
soaked me by shaking all his muddy water over me," but his eyes said, "Life is full of bliss and wonder. Happy I am."
This disparity can be resolved if the man pursues nothing but pleasure for some months. If not, his life will become totally meaningless. Reasonably balanced people only experience these demons mildly.
I have watched a woman with a prominent earth demon do her gardening. After some hours she returns into her house but she told me that the demon stays out on the grass, presumably intoxicated.A day or so later, as though connected to the woman by a piece of elastic, it gradually makes its way back to her, whispering "gardening, gaaaardeneeeng" before re-entering her body.
Hermits cannot easily leave lonely demons behind - the elastic is too short and too strong. Last autumn I was standing in the
street when a woman I vaguely know asked me out to the cinema.At the same time a demon I vaguely knew said, "Let us be
alone. Speak to me only, for I'm lonely, lonely, lonely!" making it difficult for me to respond to the woman, who soon left.
I dealt with this maddening companion by the only means I saw fit.I took it to a place where we could be alone together, talked It through its problems, listened to it incessantly, discovered its weaknesses.
Then killed It.
Some hermits believe that such an act is immoral.Others have not taken on board the fact that it is a viable option.
|A Pope has a Water Cannon.|
He fires Holy-Water from it.
He Blesses it.
He Blesses the Hell out of it.
He has it pierced.
Batman and Robin arrive.
|It is a Water Cannon.|
It is a Holy-Water Cannon.
It is a Holy Holy-Water Cannon
It is a Wholly Holy Holy-Water Cannon
It is a Holey Wholly Holy Holy-Water Cannon
It is used to shoot them.
God is omnipotent, omniscient and omnibenevolent.
If you believe all three of the above at the same time then please send $20 to:
The Holy God Loves You And Dosn`t Want You To Burn In Hell Forever
Because You Didn`t Donate. Church Of Waz.
P.O. Box 552
You Wouldn`t hit a guy with glasses Would you..?
No, I`d use my fists..
Who Wrote this pile of Waz ?