Preposterous Plans, Pointless Projects, Stupid Schemes, Idiotic Ideas and Other Oddments.

A curious compendium of cracked concepts for the connoisseur.

Sonar Scanning Laser Armed Insect Incinerator

Rather Dangerous

Consider, if you will, the long running battle between insects and humans. A battle in which the humans have consistently over-reacted, condemning millions of relatively innocent bluebottles to a gruesome death by crushing simply because they fly around inside the humans dwellings and make a bloody irritating Buzzing noise. Admittedly many flying insects spread disease, but that hardly justifies the wanton slaughter of more innocent species such as the harmless fruit fly.

Then it struck me. We are humans and as such have never needed justification for any of our actions against the rest of the plant or animal kingdoms. Our actions against minerals however are the subject of much of the judicial system and the ramifications of that are far to complex to bother with here.

Having fought the ethical battle it now seemed prudent to begin the physical one. Flies, whilst easily defeated in hand to hand combat are too manoeuvrable to make an easy kill. The battle must be fought not be with the primitive, almost stone age, club of the rolled up newspaper, but with the most effective, or at least the most ludicrously overwhelming, weapons modern technology can provide.

Having considered and, alas, rejected the concepts of both fusion and fissionable projectiles on the grounds of unreasonable collateral damage it seemed only sensible to make use of one of the other great advancements of recent years and use a laser for that precision touch..

Thus the concept was born, and no flying insect or other small, fast moving thing will ever be safe again!

The principle is sound.

Three omnidirectional high frequency sonar sets at known positions (p1, p2 and p3), each able to scan the entire room and connected to a reasonably fast computer (Pentium or above) As soon as any small, fast moving echo is detected the distance from all three sonars is calculated and the position of the echo in space triangulated from the vectors a,b and c.

From the knowledge of this position and the position of the laser (p4) is simplicity itself to calculate from moment to moment the angles of rotation required to aim the beam. Even a moderately low energy infra-red pulse should be sufficient to render any fly entirely incapable.

Victory is ours oncemore!

Solar powered dragon blowtorch.

Slightly Hazardous

There are two things that Dragons are reputed to do well:
Laze about in the sunshine.
Breathe fire.

It seemed to me that these two activities are related, the dragon absorbing energy from the sunlight and converting it into a store of flamable gasses.
The most easily available (to an organic creature) flamable gasses are methane and hydrogen.
Methane is usualy created by symbiotic bacteria fermentating vegetable matter. (ask a cow)
Hydrogen can be extracted from water by electrolysis.

For the creation of a mechanistic dragon the latter is considerably simpler, requiring as it does only water and electricity. Sources of both are within easy reach of most places pampered enough to want a miniature dragon for a cigar lighter. However, since Dragons are known for their habit of relaxing in the sun, making the entire device solar powered is perhaps the most sensible option, and with only a little ingenuity the need for a source of water can also be removed.

Consider:
Two amorphous silicon solar panels as the dragons wings, each having an area of 36 square inches, developing 6 volts at 200 milliamps in moderate sunlight.Water is extracted from the atmosphere by cooling using a Peltier effect heat pump, the condensate stored in the receptacle of the electrolytic cell.
Once a certain amount of water has been stored the fan and heat pump are turned off and the current from the panels is used to charge an internal battery.
When a flame is reqested, the battery or the panels can be used to electrolyse the stored water, hydrogen is vented through the nostrils of the Dragon where it is ignited and may be used to light whatever the user wishes.

The Méze game.

Deadly

An entertainment created by three chums whilst eating vast quantities of food at a Greek restaurant.
The Co-Conspirators in this venture were Sheila Thomas and Chris Butterworth.

The Méze Game
Or
Dim Sum Fun

This is a game played whilst eating, any meal is applicable but one which includes a number of shared dishes is best.
The aim of the game is to clear away as many dishes as possible so that more can be brought without overloading the table.

The Rules (such as they are)

A point is gained for finishing a dish.
More than one person must sample a dish.
if one person eats an entire dish no points are gained and the person is declared a greedy pig.
Politeness must be observed at all times (see rule 2).

Winning

There are two ways of winning the game.
The first and possibly simplest is to amass more points than any other player by finishing more dishes.
The second is to be the only player with no points, if more than one player has no points then the player with the largest number of points wins.

Clarifications

Finishing is taking the last portion from a dish such that the plate may be cleared away. This takes the point out of play, only when the food is actually eaten will the taker gain the point. It does not matter who eats the food, whoever took the last portion onto their plate gains the point.
Where certain sections of the food are usually not eaten they are considered null for the purposes of the game. Eg. garnishes, bones, rinds etc...
A dish is a plate of food, either as a whole or divided into subsections. Eg. A bowl of fruit may be considered three dishes, oranges, apples, and grapes with a point available for the finishing of each fruit.
The points value of a dish must be agreed before any of the food is eaten.
Dishes with well defined units (chips, spring rolls, celery stalks) must be consumed in entire units.
If a person at the table is "not playing" they cannot win, though others may wish to keep count of their score.
In the event of any disagreement the rule of the majority holds sway.
Dishes may be given values other than one point, points are only awarded for finishing the dish. Half finishing a two point dish gains no points.
Shared drinks may be declared valid dishes.(a bottle of wine, a carafe of water etc..)
Dishes which cannot be eaten by one or more of the players for whatever reason may be declared null dishes at the option of the majority.

Automatic Irrigation Pump

Not even slightly risky

A Brain-Stampingly simple idea, one that can be made use of anywhere that the sun shines.
At last count this included the entire world (Except Clethorpes)

The mechanism, such as it is, works on the fairly simple principle that air expands when warmed and contracts when cooled. This principle can be used to make any source of heat do useful work and has been exploited since at least the 1800s. (poor thing)

In its simplest form the Vessel is partially filled with water and placed by a window where the Sun will shine upon it. As it heats up the air inside expands, forcing water out of the outflow pipe. Any shade, such as a cloud passing in front of the Sun or at worst night falling. will cause the vessel's temperature to drop slightly and the air will contract, drawing more air in through the inlet pipe.

This cycle will continue as long as the water in the vessel lasts.

In tests a simple single vessel system proved perfectly adequate for keeping up to a dozen houseplants watered for long periods of time (12 days between refills) with no attention required from the user.
This system is ideal for use where a conventional pump is too expensive or unsuitable. It is especially suitable for use where the local tech-level is low and a simple, repairable solution is required.
When used for irrigating crops the system has one further advantage. Since its rate of pumping is proportional to the Sunlight falling upon it, adjustment for weather conditions is minimal.
When the Plants need extra water they get it.
Automatically