Get Vodka, Add Sweeties, Sweetie Vodka!

A little while ago at a part with some chums the subject of flavoured vodka entered the conversation. As is the way of such things various kinds of flavoured vodka were discussed, considered constrasted and eventually postulated. The words "I wonder..." were heard many times. One of those I wonders was

"I've had Pear Drop Vodka, I wonder what would happen if you put other sweeties in vodka..."

What else could I do but try to find out...

Page 1 - Page 2 - Page 3 - Page 4
Once the scheme was hatched and the idea of sweetie flavoured vodka bubbling around in my head like some kind of alcoholic deep south gumbo on a sugar rush, I had no choice but to give in to the insistant urge to actually make a few bottles of the damn stuff for myself.
For that I needed three basic ingredients...

Some Vodka
Some Sweeties
Some Bottles

after a swift trip to a nearby market and and home via our local "cheap as chips" superstore we had all the ingredients required.
Three litres of no brand Vodka, a dozen small bottles which happened to be filled with some kind of cheese-eating-surrender-monkey juice and a selection of cavity inducing, heart palpitating sugary goodness.
By the left...

Pinapple "chunks".
Small cubes of pure sugar with traces of purest yellow and a flavour not entirely unlike pineaple.

Jelly babies.
Since I was purchasing my sweeties from a market stall at a price so low it could induce heart attacks in dentists all over the country my Jelly Babies were from the shallow end of the gene pool. It's not the done thing even to call sweeties deformed these days so let us simply describe them as "differently bodied" They were still deformed...

Liqourice.
Tucked away, nestled almost lovingly against the vodka bottles is a bag containing small pieces of sticky black squidginess which would, if wrapped in clingfim, sell for fifteen quid each in a darkened club...

Mint Humbugs.
Minty, Sugary, Stripey, There's not a lot to say about these, except that they were brown and tan rather than the more usual black and white.

Some kind of hideous pink and blue things.
I have no idea why these were in the bag, I suspect sabotage.

Pear Drops.
There more as a baseline control than anything else. We already know that peardrop vodka is excellently sweet and sticky. It's eminently satisfying to both the inner child and the outer limits. Hell we just wanted some more ok, is that so hard to understand ?

A Mars Bar
Consultation with various people had led us to believe that mars bar vodka was also sweet, sticky and excellent in a number of ways. I'll wait to taste it before I espouse an opinion. Heck i didn't even know that chocolate dissolves in vodka...

Barley Sugars
Any sweet with Sugar in the name has to be extra good right. Anyone any idea what's with the barley ?

Kola Kubes
Vodka and coke, you have no chance. Make your time. All your bottles are belong to us.

Once we'd gathered the suppies we began gathering the required tools. A funnel for the all important pouring of the vodka from one vessel to another, a hammer for making sure that the larger sweeties still fit into the bottle and a wooden board to stop the hammer doing any real damage if one of us went crazy apeshit mental with the damn thing.

Tools, Toooooools....
For some reason my Filthy Assistant took exception to Rusty Dave my faithful hench-hammer, and insisted that some other heavy lump of metal be brought provided for the frenzied pounding of sugary treats.

Nothing wrong with this hammer at all. The manic grin however...
I had, at this point, little choice but to call in my reserve hammer, Mr. Lumpy, a reliable hammer in a pinch but inexperienced. Not my first choice for a job that might contain unexpected hazards. Fortunately my Filthy Assistant raised no further objections and the hammers were eventually prised from her hands so that the project could begin in earnest.

Ooooh, shiny!
Our first obstacle was the fact that the bottles were not sold decently empty but came with some kind of free liquid in them. The label claimed that the stuff was entirely natural, having no additives no fat, no sugar and no salt. So we shrugged our shoulders and tried drinking the stuff, after all it couldn't be that bad...
Jesus h. Tapdancing christ this stuff is horrible...

Even the Filthy assistant can't stomach it, and she's a yoghurt weaving veggie

I've eaten Tofu that had more flavour. Tofu I tell you...
Some pouring down the sink and some decanting into other containers later, we had a number of bottles containing no vodka at all. But the potential was there, each little plastic cylinder waiting, yearning for the firey caress of the potent spirit.
Or possibly just sitting there doing whatever it is that empty bottles usually do. What am I, psychic ?

12 empty bottles, sitting on the wall...


Next
Where the hell am I ?